Lost Leaders

When people die, when they are taken from us suddenly, unexpectedly, especially violently, we are shocked and angry of course, but then our thoughts leave what was and go to what might have been; what should have been.

I have lived the blessing and curse of being from a huge extended family. There is always someone being born, but there is always someone dying. In just the last year, three died on my father's side and five on my mother's side of the family. Almost all of them were under 65 years old. We lost my oldest cousin Phyllis last month and mere weeks later, welcomed her second granddaughter Mackenzie. Life does continue.

But that doesn't take away a single tear, a moment of regret. What might they have done with their lives? Why now? Why our family? People are supposed to live to get old aren't they?

Phyllis' nephew, my cousin Daren, was murdered some years ago at the wrong place with the wrong person--a so-called friend who left him to die. I was the last family member to see him. I was at Kinko's near Catholic U in DC copying some of my writing. He saw my car while riding by with a friend--the same friend who, a few hours later, would also get shot but survive--and Daren had him stop so he could see me.

We talked about his unborn baby (a beautiful girl who he never saw but who looks like his twin sister) and how he was finally getting his life together including his new job and his plans to buy my car (He didn't know but I would have given it to him). For the first time that I can recall he said, "I love you, " for no reason and in front of another guy. And my heart smiled.

And then he was gone.

When terrible things like the massacre at Virginia Tech happen, we draw a collective horrified breath, shake our heads, and each in our own way, we mourn for these strangers touched by unspeakable tragedy.

But they are us. Their loss is ours. We can't help it, we wonder what might have been. If they had lived to old age, might they have been parents, grandparents, teachers, inventors, performers...might they have been that leader that we've waited for, the wise one; the one who would have led us to peace.

We will never get the answer.

All we can do as we say goodbye is to honor their memories by appreciating the ones who are still here. Hug them now. Tell them you love them now. That visit, that fun weekend, that silly little gift, that back rub, special dinner, delayed apology--that thing you've been putting off because there'll be time to do it later--do it now.

If we lose someone and the inevitable sadness comes, let it be because of the great times that will be missed not because of the ones that never happened. That is true loss.